The Same Coin
by Kaia Mariacle
Summary: Two sides of. *warning: slash*


The Same Coin

Author: Kaia Mariacle

Rating: R

Summary: Two sides of.

Warning: m/m implications

Author's notes: I love these two, and I could completely see them speaking as I wrote this story. It was one of those stories that just flowed as I typed, which I love, because as an author, I know it doesn't happen often. 

  
  


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What do you do when you realize you're gay?  


Do you freak out? Break things and scream and rant, and ask God why he made you this way? Do you drop to your knees and beg and plead and hope that you're wrong? That you're not this boy, this person, who loves someone they're not supposed to?  
  
You don't want to be that kid they spit on and throw lit matches at. The one they stare at when you walk down the street, because your holding another boys hand and that's wrong. You don't want to be the 'faggot', or the 'homo', or the 'cocksucker.' Or any other vile name they can think to spew at you.  
  
You're not gay, you can't be.   
  
No, you're normal.  
  
You like girls, and baseball, and breasts. You don't check out the other boys when you're showering after gym class, and you never wondered what it would be like to kiss Tony Kristal, th eboy who sat behind you in the seventh grade.  
  
You have a poster of the Laker Girls above your desk, and one of Elizabeth Hurley over your bed. You like watching Fastlane because of the steamy, sex scenes and cool cars, not because you have a crush on Peter Facinelli.   
  
You drink beer with your jock buddies, and you're Captain of the basketball team. You talk about fucking Ginny Gardner in the locker room after practice, and you don't think about how tight an ass Chris Madison has as he runs soapy hands over his chest. You're young and you're popular and you're going to play pro-hockey one day.   
  
But you're not gay.  
  
No matter what that little voice in your head whispers when you stand in front of the mirror.   
  
***  
  
When you're best friend was sent into a coma because of you, you were happy.   
  
Happy because he'd been starting to look so good in that blue shirt he'd stolen from your closet two weeks ago. Happy because his lips didn't quirk in that way that made you want to lick them. Happy because his hands weren't always moving, so you didn't have to imagine holding them to get them to stop.  
  
Then he came to town.  
  
Bright, bold and so beautiful it made you ache.  
  
His hands didn't wave wildy, but sat calmly and so gracefully that you were desperate to feel them on your body. His eyes so clear and dark that you wanted to gaze into them forever.   


So you taunted him, and you tortured him, and you pretended it didn't kill you when he looked at your sister in the way you wanted him to look at you. You ignored him, and you kept away, because you were so afraid that if you got too close you'd do something stupid.   
  
Like kiss him.   
  
But you're not gay, and you ignore that little voice in your head that calls you a faggot. The one that laughs jeeringly at you when your eyes seem to gravitate towards him. The voice that scares you to death.  
  
There's another voice, though, that scares you even more.  
  
It's the one that says it's okay to be gay. The one that whispers if you want to kiss him, then go ahead, it's nothing more than taking a chance. It's the one that tells you to be brave, to take that chance, to be honest with yourself and everyone you love.  
  
It's the one that smiles at you when you look into the mirror every morning.   
  
When that cruel voice calls you hideous.  
  
It's the one that calls you beautiful.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
What do you do when you realize you're gay?  
  
Do you smile? Laugh, because no wonder you always wanted to marry Tommy Hill when you were little. Do you look outside, at the trees, the stars, the mountains, and realize that you finally found where you belong? Are you happy, because you know who you are?  
  
You're the boy that's going to get called a homo and a faggot and a queer. The one that's going to walk down the street, and have to look in dark corners because you could get jumped at any moment. The boy that's going to have to fight desperately for equal rights for the rest of his life.  
  
You're gay, and you're okay with that.  
  
It doesn't make you a freak.  
  
Yes, you like boys. You also like manga, and punk rock and boxing. So did your best friend back in New York, and he was as straight as a ruler. You know, because you tried to kiss him once, and he pushed you away with a laugh and chuckle. Then he set you up with his sister's ex-boyfriend.   
  
You have a poster of The Matrix above your desk, and one of Good Charlotte over your bed. You watch Fastlane every Friday night because you think Bill Bellamy has a nice ass.  
  
You drink Pepsi, because getting drunk is so not your thing. Not after that one hellish night, anyway. You roll your eyes as the 'boys' talk about girls in the locker, and wonder how Tristan Kay's lips would look around your cock. You're young and very unpopular, but one day you're going to be a famous pianist.  
  
And you're gay.  
  
And that little voice in the back of your head that feels like your mom smiles when you stand in front of the mirror.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
When you moved to Everwood, you were so angry.  
  
Angry because you had to leave you friends and a boy who'd just begun to be a little bit more. You still have that c.d. he mixed for you, and that sweater you stole after a cold New Year's. It smells like him, and sometimes you take it out and think of his mischievous grin. There's a boy in Everwood that reminds you so much of him.  
  
He hated you on first sight.  
Big, bad and gorgeous.  
  
He walks as if he's unsure of his own body, lumbering down the halls. His hair is always in such a disarray that you want to run your fingers through it, straighten it out. But it's his eyes that really get you. So haunted and desperate, and always masked.  
  
He used to torment you, back when you first came to town. Taunting you, and laughing at your hair, your clothes, everything about you. Then you fell for his sister. No, you weren't attracted to her, but she was somehow familiar, in a way you still don't understand. And when you were with her, he paid attention.   
  
Maybe it was negative, but it was better than the false friendship he sent your way when his best friend woke up.   
  
Because you could see behind that facade he put on for Colin, and you wanted nothing more than to pull him close and whisper that everything would be alright.   
  
You're gay, and you live in Smalltown, USA, but you know that one day, you'll find the courage to come out.  
  
You know that you're not the only one who hides.  
  
Someday, you'll get out of this town, and you'll find a man to share your life with. Even if he isn't the one you'd originally wanted, and you'll tell him about the boy you fell for when you were in high school.   
  
The boy you thought was beautiful.  
  
  
~Finis~   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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